Separation And Divorce

No matter what the cause, if your marriage fails you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions: depression, sadness, anger, hurt, anxiety, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams.

How you choose to handle a separation or divorce is very important because of the effect it will have on the rest of your life, your spouse's life and on any children you have. If you do not deal with the pain, and if you allow yourself to become bitter, you will be unhappy for a very long time. Let go of your bitterness and anger. Try to look at the separation as an opportunity to re-examine your abilities, your assets and your dreams, and to make the changes necessary for a new, full and rewarding life.

However, before you think about separation or divorce, ask yourself if you've taken all reasonable steps to make the marriage or home situation better by working together. Did you try sitting down calmly with your spouse to discuss the situation? Did you try counseling, either individually or as a couple? Talking to a psychologist, social worker, pastor, or trusted family friend may provide the necessary medium for working out differences. If you have children, consider the impact of leaving or staying on them. And never bring them into the fight.

For most people, it's a shock when a relationship breaks down. Even if you've known for some time that things aren't working out, the final decision to part will stay with you for a long time.  Even once it's over, it can take months for reality to sink in. During this time it's common to find yourself fantasizing about reunion and reconciliation or about responsibilities and recriminations.

An article from www.bbc.co.uk emphasizes that understanding why your relationship failed is the first step towards recovery. Many people get locked into questioning: Whose fault it is? What did I do wrong? How could they do that to me? This is understandable, but a more constructive approach is to focus on the relationship, rather than individual responsibility. It can be more helpful to think about these kind of questions:

How were things when we first met?
What attracted us to each other?
What made our relationship good?
How have we changed?
What external factors have influenced our relationship?
What has stopped us overcoming our differences?

Although the answers may be upsetting, the greater the understanding, the easier it can be to let go and move on. During this time you'll experience many emotions, including anger, sadness, guilt, despair and confusion; you can expect good days and bad days.

On top of the emotional turmoil that accompanies the end of a relationship, there's a host of practical issues to address. These might include: (1) The children - providing support and time, access arrangements, childcare, telling the school, seeing in-laws, birthday and holiday arrangements; (2) Money and property - who lives where, surviving on less income, managing the finances, who gets what in the home, pets; (3) Friends and family - telling parents/siblings/extended family members/friends, deciding how much to say and who should tell whom, maintaining friendships and relationships with in-laws; and (4) Personal survival - which friends can support you practically and/or emotionally, how you'll create space to grieve, whether you might benefit from counseling, building relaxation into your schedule, treats can you reward yourself with when times are tough.

Divorce can have a negative effect on your physical and mental health. So take care of yourself:

Talk to someone you trust.
Keep a familiar routine for yourself and your children. It is very important to have a sense of stability at a time of such major and painful change.
Avoid isolating yourself from people.
Build your support group. Old friends may become casualties in divorce battles.
Take care of your health and your children’s health.
Provide and eat a balanced diet.
Exercise and play to relieve stress.
Pray, meditate or practice the relaxation response.
Learn some methods for coping with stress. There are many good books you can read on coping with stress, and you may also find some information on relaxation techniques helpful. Check with your local library and bookstore.
Avoid making major decisions until your life has become more settled. Some decisions have to be made quickly, such as housing and school arrangements for the children, and, if you have not been working, getting a job. However, you can put off many decisions until "the dust has settled."
Keep in mind the old saying, "One day at a time."
Allow yourself the time you need to heal.

Remember, it is normal to feel anxious and fearful when life's changing. But with more than two in five marriages ending in divorce, you're far from alone - there's an ever-expanding network of advice and support groups available.

A special note needs to be added here to address the issue of "the children" involved in a separation or divorce situation.  Always remember that children may be resilient, but their armor is only so thick. Children know more, see more and hear more than you think.  If staying together is creating an emotionally troubling situation for them, perhaps separation is the best option.This is undoubtedly one of the toughest times to be a parent, but your children need to know what's happening. You may think that hiding the severity of the situation protects them, but it actually leaves children feeling confused and may drive them away as they feel they can't trust you.

The amount of information you give them will depend on their ages, but they should be encouraged to ask as many questions as they need. Remember, you don't have to hide your feelings to reassure them that they're loved. In fact, sharing appropriately what you feel will help them make sense of their own emotions and feel OK about showing them.

When talking with your children about separation or divorce, it is important to be honest, but not critical of your spouse. Most children want to know why their lives are being upset. Depending on the age of your children and reason for divorce, this may require some diplomacy. As children mature, they will probably want more information.

Get professional help for you and/or your children when you need it. You will face many legal and emotional problems along with separation and divorce and you may need professional help. For legal matters, seek the help of a lawyer. If you are experiencing severe emotional stress, contact your family doctor, me, or some other mental health resource.

The more you understand about relationships, intimacy, and separation and divorce, the better you can cope with their effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help you or someone you love live a healthier and more fulfilling life. People who are considering, or going through, a separation or divorce can get help from a mental health professional such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or clinical social worker. For more information about separation and divorce, relationship, couples, family and/or intimacy problems, please click on the linked websites listed below.

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Dr Berger has combined the "old days" when a doctor literally came to your home, with 21st century technology. By using office appointments, telephone consultations, email, instant messages, teleconferences, and the willingness to travel and meet with you personally in your home, office, or other location,  Dr Berger is available to help you anytime and anywhere, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

If you are a new client, contact Dr Berger now to arrange your free initial consultation.  You will reach Dr Berger or his private message center. Once you become an existing client, you will be given a  pager  number where you can reach Dr Berger whenever you need him. Quite literally, Dr. Berger offers what some people in the 21st century need most, professional and personal assistance anytime and anywhere.